White Noise

A Thesis on NSAMHRP

Posted in Humor, Uncategorized, Writing by yossarian on 10 November, 2006

“So whats your thesis on”?

“Well its got something to do with Nonlinear stochastic adaptive modeling of …”

They had finally reached the counter. The queue was unusually long today. The canteen at the Mooshika avenue is the best in the campus and attracts a huge crowd at lunch time. It is located below ground level with a dome made of glass at the top. Sunlight filters through the glass creating fantastic patterns, fractals and famous equations and formulae. It is said that between 3:00 and 3:20 pm the image of the great Bingo Mooshika can be seen at the center of the canteen.

They had finally managed to get a place to sit. The famous equation A = BC2 filtered through the glass above onto their table. They opened their food packets made of cloth. This canteen serves one of the best cheese and the cloth packet is quite clean too and most eat the cloth as well. The cloth has high fibrous content.

“Yes. It is to do with Nonlinear stochastic adaptive modeling of human religious practises.”

“Whoa. That’s something.”

“Yes. Sounds big. Infact the actual title is even longer. It is only a subclass of humans that we are studying. It is a very interesting field.”

“So what do you do? What religious practsises do you study?”

“Our work is very specific and is concerned with just one practise. A very interesting one it is, actually. Even more interesting is that it is spreading like wildfire the world over and especially in this country. What they do is – each day in the morning , they come and sit in their boxes. There is a sacred stone, of roughly our size, on each of their tables. They hold this sacred stone with their hand, usually their right but i have seen some holding it with their left also, and they keep moving it for hours, all the while staring blankly at the wall in front. Most of these humans do it for atleast 9 to 10 hours daily with a few breaks in between. The ones in our country keep doing it for 14 to 16 hours a day. They do it each and every day!!”

“Insane, is all I have to say. These humans are crazy.”

“A few years back some maverick sociologists claimed that the practise actually has some biological and social significance and that it is not some religious practise as such. But our work conclusively proves that all those claims are crap.”

“So what did you do? I mean any experiments?”

“Oh yes. Extensive experiments. One of the largest experiments to be ever conducted on humans. We have a huge lab at the outskirts of the city. IT PARC is its name. Intensive Technisch Prufung Amano Religious Cratise.”

“What was that?”

“It is actually a joint project by our country, the Germans and the Kakrafoons. So had to accomodate each one in the lab’s name. Anyway, so we have got some forty thousand humans. We take extreme care not to disturb them. State of the art technology mousy, state of the art. Those sociologists I was talking about, they had simply fabricated their data. They show all sorts of pictures which they claim depicts the motion of the sacred stone in some crappy abstract space. I say they could have earned more money and fame showing off their pictures in an art gallery. Atleast they look better than the modern art of Moofa H.S.N. I mean what order can you find in the movements of the SS, I am sorry the sacred stone. We call it SS.”


“It is simply random. We tried all sorts of expeiments. To just give you an example, we tried to find if the motions of SS by human H1 is in any way coupled to those by H2, H3, or any number of them. We did try up to 50 humans and we just gave up. No order. No patterns. No fractals. No jargon. That is what it is. Mousys haven’t been looking in the right direction. All the mousys just want some instant fame and the easiest way out is to use fancy words like order, patterns, fractals what not? I am not saying it cannot be studied or described. We have done it. All that I am saying is all these mousys take a human or two and try to get some results. They don’t obviously get any results because they look in the wrong direction. Then they take some data from experiments which don’t make sense at all and try their best to find patterns.”

“Ok boss. Tell me what you mousys have done.”

“Alright. Alright. First and foremost, it should be recognised that empirical observations show you that SS motion is random. So trying to study the causes of individual movements is futile. You have to study the SS movements en masse. Mousys have tried to find all sorts of exotic linear models. You have to realize that it is a highly nonlinear system. We also do not assume the exact form of the nonlinear model a priori. We have 42 parameters in the model that have been adaptively found over a course of experiments spanning two years. Then finally we depicted our results in a 52 dimensional Jerry space. I see that you are growing impatient or else I would have given a more detailed description of it.”

“Ofcourse. That is more food for thought than I can digest in day.”

And our friends leave the canteen just as Bingo Mooshika is filtered through the glass dome. Strangely, for it has never been seen before, there is a mysterious smile on his face.


2 Responses

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  1. serfeenix said, on 21 November, 2006 at 4:29

    wow this is cool stuff!Bingo Mooshika is a good one.
    mooshika seems to be doing better research than half the jokers here.
    what category is this in ?mooshika chronicles 🙂 ?

  2. yossarian said, on 22 November, 2006 at 13:41


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